2/27/13

Retrospace Confidential #3: Gilligan's Island



This marks the third installment of the "Retrospace Confidential" series of posts, where we attempt to expose the seedy underbelly of so-called 'wholesome' entertainment.  Previous installments have been poorly received and severely criticized - but such is the price of honest investigative journalism. Today we peel back the wholesome veneer of Gilligan's Island..... what lies underneath will shock and appall you. A stinking sewer of fornication and deviant behavior of the sickest blend awaits.




The level of perverse behavior that took place on the island may never be fully realized.  We only have scattered reports from those visiting the island... and fleeing in horror.  Ever wonder why this so-called 'deserted' island got so many visitors, and yet all of them left mysteriously without taking any of the castaways with them? They got the hell out of Dodge and never looked back.


Naturally, some degree of deviant behavior is expected when you're removed from civilized society - away from the peering judgmental eyes of your neighbors.  However, unlike Lord of the Flies, these were adults who should have already cultivated a sense of right and wrong that would prevent them from committing such acts of perversion. Such was not the case.


Let's start with Ginger who would seduce anything with two legs and a pulse. There is a big difference between utilizing your womanly wiles and abject nymphomania.  Ginger Grant, I'm afraid suffered from the latter. Eyewitness reports describe the evenings on the uncharted desert isle as "alive with the wild moans of a woman in heat."


Lest you think her passions were only directed to visitors, here is a photo of the ginger-haired vixen in action.  Even the level headed, voice of reason was not immune.  Even professors have needs.



But dare to enjoy the pleasures of another woman, and you may find yourself face to face with the shooting end of a barrel.  Just as quick as she was to seduce, she quick to violence.  How many visitors landed on the island never to return? One can only guess.  Skeletal remains have been found, but no hard evidence pointing to cause or manner of death.  If only those bones could talk - what stories would they tell of a certain wild-eyed red-head?



Indeed, when the music played or the moon was full, there was simply no controlling the orgiastic actions of this Hollywood Nympho.  One eyewitness described it thus:

It was as if she was possessed.  One minute she'd be nice and pleasant, and the next an emotional train wreck.  Only Lovey [Mrs. Howell] knew how to calm her down - and that was with medications she'd brought with her to the island.  It was kind of cool at first, but then got kinda.... scary.

Eyewitness photograph taken during one of Ginger's "spells"

But Ms. Grant was by no means alone in her debauchery. One anonymous eyewitness claims Mary Ann was even more degenerate.  And the Howells? This author is glad to say their record is clear of any sexual shenanigans; however, their vast wealth more than likely has a lot to do with the silence.  In the end, money allowed The Howells to die with dignity, free from such scandals.

But what of the Professor? Surely, this Man of Science knew better than to involve himself in such destructive behavior? Think again.


Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, there was the straight-laced scientist side... and the side of a twisted craven.  It's true - he was a Renaissance Man, able to craft high technology from coconut shells and papaya seeds.  However, where you find genius you also are likely to find madness.


The famed Erika Tiffany Smith, one of the few people unafraid to openly come forward, likened him to Lord Byron.  "He was dark and brooding, which I found infinitely sexy... but there was a dark side to him.  He frightened me."

But what about the island's namesake? Surely, this affable little fool was clean of any dirty doings? Think again...


Yes, the Skipper's "Little Buddy" was far from the clean cut lunkhead we take him for.  Beneath the klutzy exterior was possibly the worst offender of all the castaways.  Was the goofiness just an act? You bet it was.

Tongo the Ape Man, another eyewitness unafraid to step forward, had this to say:

When I first met him, I thought he was a joke.  I kind of brushed him off; I never thought for a second this skinny little guy would be a threat.  Well, waking up in the middle of the night with a knife to my throat and a hot coal pointed at my nads, made me think differently, real quick. He was a manipulative, savage little [censored].

 
This is the real Gilligan.  He was actually bald - his mop top was just a wig to keep up the nonthreatening appearance.  And he more or less had his way with Ginger and Mary Ann whenever he damn well felt like it.  What did his boss, the Skipper, have to say about this reckless behavior?  It pains this author to say it, but apparently he liked to watch.


A rare glimpse at Gilligan's natural hair color when it wasn't shaved bald.  And notice his position of authority.  Indeed, far from being the bumbling buffoon, Gilligan was the island's true leader.  Ever wonder why the island adopted his namesake? Wonder no longer.


An anonymous eyewitness put it this way: "... it was borderline worship.  I'd heard being stranded can make people do strange things... but I'd like to think I'd never kneel to another man.  But that is exactly what every one of them castaways did."


Don't let his small frame fool you.  He was wiry, but it was pure muscle, and quick as lightning.  Tongo the Ape Man again on the wrath of Gilligan:

My friends would ask me when I tell 'em about it - 'How could you let yourself be pushed around by such a little weakling?'  I say, he was lean but his tendons were iron and his ligaments steel. If the left hook didn't get you, the right one would.  He was like a [censored] king cobra - it ain't big around, but it'll kill you just the same!


"Sometimes he would sit in a tree and masturbate," said Erika Tiffany Smith.  "The girls would be doing their morning exercises or simply out foraging, and there he'd be lurking in the foliage playing with himself.  It was disgusting.  I always felt like I was being watched."


Perhaps, most outspoken of all witnesses is Norbert Riley, the legendary kidnapper who wound up on the island.  His depiction of the castaways, in particular Gilligan, has become the stuff of legend, chronicled in a  1976 article for Hustler entitled "Island of Lost Souls: A Personal Reflection."

Unfortunately, Norbert's criminal history has put his credibility into question, leading many to believe much of it to be apocryphal.  However, to his dying day, Norbert never retracted a single line, and always stood by the truth of his personal trials on the island.


Thankfully, some photographic evidence has surfaced which lends credence to many of Norbert's claims.  Such as the now infamous "Goose Incident".  Due to the graphic nature of what allegedly went down that night, Retrospace has elected to refrain from describing or publishing pictures of the event. 


We have also elected to refrain from repeating the similarly infamous "Orange Incident" also depicted in graphic detail in the Hustler article.


Then there's the 'Bamboo Incident"... but I digress.


Did Gilligan really keep the other castaways locked away in his own torture dungeon?  Norbert Riley has adamantly stood by this story:

When the Hustler article came out, a lot of people were like 'that's bullshit, how can there be a torture dungeon on a deserted island?'  People used that part of my story to discredit me.  But I tell you it was there.  It was like a [censored] house of [censored] horrors.  He was a sick bastard. I don't know how the dungeon got there, I'm just telling you what I saw.


Norbert Riley goes on:

After a while I started to doubt it myself.  Did it really happen? Maybe I just imagined it - maybe it was a bad dream.  I went to see a shrink and he seemed to think there was some kind of hallucinogen being used, and that sick [censored] Gilligan would get his rocks off while everybody tripped.


But then these photographs come out.  I don't know who took 'em.  I suspect it was the cosmonauts [Ivan and Igor], but their Commie government wouldn't let them go public because of the shame to Mother Russia.  So anyways, the photos come out and I'm like 'see I told you mother[censored] I wasn't makin' this stuff up!'


Many other stories, real or imagined, have popped up over the years: far too many to recount within a single post.  For instance, it is rumored that Kalani the Matoba Slave Girl was murdered by the First Mate. The Matobi are a primitive civilization with no real police force.  Thus, the disappearance has gone un-investigated.


Mankind is such an interesting creature.  We think we are so aloof from nature, which is bloody tooth and claw.  Yet, when you separate us from the societal structures that bind us, we become animals.  Who among us can say we would behave any better under similar conditions?


Of course, there are extremes... and Gilligan exemplified man at his most horrifying extreme.  Whereas a man can be excused for losing some of his humanity on an uncharted desert isle, a man cannot be excused for every crime no matter how base.  Indeed, it is even reported Gilligan dabbled in the occult to develop power over his fellow castaways.

But that is where this exposé must come to a close...


Torture Dungeons, the "Goose Incident", the "Orange Incident", the treetop masturbation, the violent threats to Tonga..... could these all be true? Ultimately, it is up to the individual to make their own conclusions.  Without the misfortune of being captive on this desert isle, one can never be 100 percent certain.

One thing is certain, however; some very peculiar things went down on that remote island.  Perhaps we are better off not knowing all the details.

THE END



14 comments:

  1. And now we know the rest of the story!

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  2. A monument of scholarship, yet you ignore the story of Mary Ann's Intermittant Naval. I used to live for that naval, and I caught myself looking for it in your pictures. It's there all right...behind a Grassy Knoll...

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  3. I think those last two photos are the results of the treetop masturbation activities.

    My take on Gilligan's Island is that it was all an experiment cooked up by The Professor that got out of hand. He took 3 sets of people who were bound to clash, stranded them on an island and observed the results. His inventions and explanations were further parts of the experiment introduced to see how the others reacted when introduced to new stimulii. He could make ingenious household stuff out of cocoanuts and bamboo and yet couldn't get the radio to work or make a functioning boat? I don't think so! It was he who had a functioning radio (which he could keep hidden from the other intellectually challenged or narcissistic castaways) where he could summon the visitors and then get them away without the others noticing. Think about it: You've got two idiots, two rich people and two sexpots and the Professor is the only one not linked to anyone else.

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    1. Intriguing theory. The Professor as the detached godlike puppetmaster. I like it.

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  4. Well it was the '60s.

    And you can expect to see that pic of the Professor in shades as my Facebook profile pic in the near future.

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  5. Sherwood Schwartz himself claimed that the concept behind Gilligan's Island was each castaway represented one of the seven deadly sins, and their own shortcomings prevented their escape.
    For those who have forgotten their classwork: Mary Anne - Envy, Ginger - Lust, Mr Howell - Anger, Mrs Howell - Greed, Gilligan - Sloth, The Skipper - Gluttony, and lastly, the one most people can't guess, the intellectual snob Professor - Pride
    Of course, their 'sins' all crossed over, no one was purely of type.


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    1. "Six things the Lord hateth, and the seventh His soul detesteth" Proverbs 6:16–19

      So God hates the Professor the most. It's been proven.

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  6. Wasn't it part of the DHARMA Initiative?

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    1. Mr. Howell did have ties with the Hanso Foundation. There could be a link.

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  7. I have heard of the "seven deadly sins" theory; however, there is an alternative theory. In that one, Mary Anne, Ginger, and the Professor are the same. However, Mr. Howell is Greed and Mrs Howell is sloth. That leaves two sins: Anger and Gluttony and two castaways: Gilligan and the Skipper. Gilligan doesn't fit either. This is known as "The Gilligan Problem". However, there is an eloquent fix. The Skipper takes both Anger and Gluttony. This makes sense, as being the Captain, he should bear twice the burden. So, the six castaways represent the sins of the world. The island they are trapped on is Hell. That makes Gilligan....SATAN!!!

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  8. You have plumbed the depths of all our nymphs upon whose orizons be all our sins remembered.

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  9. I never noticed this before, but Ginger appears to be wearing a wedding ring in some of these pictures.

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    1. That actually belonged to Tina Louise, who "forgot" to take it off for some scenes. (She was in love with herself.)

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    2. I don't blame her one bit , she had it all .

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