5/1/12

Understanding Human Behavior #3


It's to delve into another volume of the greatest series of textbooks ever created by mankind.  You can tell by the cover we're not dealing with your average dry schoolbook here..... no, every page is a wild and twisted adventure.  This time we're looking at volume 3, which covers everything from exorcisms to impotency.  Buckle up.

The first chapter is titled "The Secretary":
We all know the "perfect secretary." She is, after all, easily recognized - a pleasant efficient and attractive woman.  But do we know what makes her what she is? Why, for instance, is she almost invariably single? Why is she content to remain in the background? And why does she find it impossible to establish a meaningful sexual relationship?
Naturally, this book doesn't come close to answering these questions adequately.  Not to mention the fact that the questions are ridiculous to begin with.  It doesn't matter, though - this book isn't worried about pesky facts or analyses.... it's just tryin' to be a groovy read.



Many girls take up secretarial work but few give their lives to it.  Only in her attitude can you distinguish the perfect secretary from the others.  The normal girl (above left) tends to put her life interests above her job and appears at work dressed to attract men, whereas the perfect secretary (above right) will usually seem more severe.  At parties she will talk to members of her own sex, while the less dedicated girl will prefer to chat to men.  If the perfect secretary suffers from anything it is the strain of being too perfect, for while the normal secretary relaxes wating for her boss, the perfectionist worries if he is late.  When the boss is out, the average secretary is likely to make private phone calls, but not the perfect secretary.  She will use the extra time to catch up on her backlog of work.


From the chapter "The Frigid Wife":
There are few things more damaging to a marriage than a frigid wife.  Whatever the cause the effect is devastating.  The woman begins to think she is unfeminine and the husband resents her failure to appreciate him.  But the proper understanding and outside help can usually overcome their difficulties and renew the sexual bond.

The best parts are when Understanding Human Behavior waxes poetic:
Mirror, mirror on the floor who is the coldest of them all? Undoubtedly, the frigid woman, frosty Ice Queen peering through a glass darkly, fearful that she should see herself as she really is.  Beneath that cloak of frigidity she is a hot-bed of naked fears and hang-ups covered over by a cool and oh so brittle exterior.


The chapter titled "Pleasure & Pain" has this nifty little pie chart.  The more I look at it, the less sense it makes.  A quarter of all women and men like to get bit?


I include this picture, not because the associated content is particularly interesting, but rather because it is the most glorious office I've ever seen.  When I die, I hope this is where I go.  In fact, this may well be what God's office looks like.


From the chapter "The Nymphomaniac":
Eternally dissatisfied, the true nymphomaniac will exhaust the most athletic of lovers in a seemingly endless quest for the ultimate orgasm..... Nymphomania may be rare but meet it and you'd better step aside!  This female of the species is deadly to the male and will drag anything in pants off to bed to quench her voracious appetite.  Addicts must have their fix, so woe betide the man who won't swing on her merry-go-round of sex.
This is my kind of textbook!

14 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 01, 2012

    Jesus f***ing Christ...

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  2. Wow, that is bad psychology. I don't think it even counts as pop psychology it's so far off the mark.

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  3. i love these books. And I love that the man in the groovy office has multiple drinks at his disposal, and and ashtray on the floor below his chair.

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    1. Paul DucaMay 01, 2012

      Compared to that office, Don Draper has a cubicle...

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  4. AnonymousMay 01, 2012

    The "spot the perfect secretary" guide reads more like "spot the lesbian": "At parties she will talk to members of her own sex, while the less dedicated girl will prefer to chat to men."

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  5. Paul DucaMay 01, 2012

    I thought the main task of the normal secretary was to bag her boss.

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  6. Paul DucaMay 01, 2012

    Doesn't that textbook have ANY useful information...such as where to FIND a nymphomaniac?

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    1. Paul- You find them here in Munich:
      "German Nymphomaniac Terrorizing Munich, Takes Second Victim After First Claims “She Is Trying To Kill Me With Sex”
      '...when officers rushed to free her first victim, she offered them a "quickie"'
      http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/05/01/munich_incident/

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    2. Paul DiucaMay 05, 2012

      What a way to go!

      Delete
  7. AnonymousMay 02, 2012

    The real sadist was the person who came up with the pie charts. Being partly color blind they simply drove me crazy!

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  8. AnonymousMay 02, 2012

    Where can I buy a mirror like the one in the frigid wife chapter?

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  9. I really feel pity for the secretary. Since she is unable to form a meaningful sexual relation with anyone, I guess the next best thing is a meaningless one. Thursdays are good for me.

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  10. AnonymousMay 03, 2012

    I love the secretary in the fur coat! She's SMOKIN'!!

    Seriously, I want this book bad.....

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  11. AnonymousMay 16, 2012

    I was dated a nymphomaniac -the best 2 weeks of my life!

    Made pancakes all the time and I was somewhat suprised to find out that the skin can actually peel off from your helmet.

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